Cover Lust, No. 66

In Colleen Hoover’s gripping novel, reminiscent of the bestselling works of Liane Moriarty and Jojo Moyes, a young woman decides to reveal the dark secrets of her seemingly-happy family before she leaves them behind, but when her escape plan fails, she must deal with the staggering consequences of telling the truth.

I think this is my favorite CoHo cover!

The story also sounds different than her norm, and I'm curious to see where it goes. I'm not someone that loves every CoHo book just because she wrote it; confession time: I HATED It Ends With Us. As someone with a very similar background, I did not agree with the way children of abuse were portrayed at all, and the excuses for that one character...ugh. That said though, her stories are always absorbing! 

Phallic Fumbling: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2

Hey, ladies!


Back in November, I wrote a post called A Dick By Any Other Name (Or, What's Wrong With Erotica). It was about my little annoyances when it comes to romance, especially erotic romance, and focused mostly on the absurd names for genitalia. It's my most popular post to date, and one I had a ton of fun writing! So fun, in fact, that I'm doing another one!

I almost titled this "The Twat Thickens: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2". I decided against it. You're welcome. 

 If you can't tell, this post is very much adult content. Let's jump right in!

How Not To Describe His Junk

There's dozens and dozens of ways smut authors have described the wonders of the cock. Some are tolerable, some are cringe worthy, some are completely laughable, and some make me wonder if the author had the foresight of Googling the definition of the word they used. Here are a few of my "favorites". You'll see why.

Ropy - 

Perhaps I've been reading too much porn, but the only thing I can picture is some BDSM bound dick.

Veiny -

Ugghhhhh. This one is usually used during a blow job, often with teeth grazed along "pulsing veins". Hope you don't knick that thin skin, darling.

Swollen -

I picture a swollen bug bite on this poor man's penis.

Tumescent -

It sounds like either antacid medication or a paint color.

Slick-

Ew.

Springy -

He dick springs from his boxers! His penis sprang forth! His manhood springs up! We might as well call his dick Tigger.

Bulbous -

I can't even describe how furious this word makes me. It's worse than moist.

How Not To Describe Her Junk

I covered most of these in the last post, but I've come across (yes, I will use that pun until the end of time) a few more since then.

Muffin -

Wrong on so many levels.

Canal -

Oh look, her pussy comes equipped with its own gondola ride. 

Honey pot -
*immediately quits the book*

Liquid heat -
This just sounds weird, like something that goes in a car.

Getting Down and Dirty: How Not To Describe It

Some of these just leave me shaking my head in a mixture of horror and total awe that someone is using it, and okay with it. 

Shagging -
Okay, I actually find this one hilarious and don't mind it at all. Perhaps it's because of one of my favorite British book boyfriends uses it. Bones can make anything sound good....

Bumpin' uglies -
Not only does this sound vile, the stars of these little trysts are always absurdly attractive. It just doesn't make sense.

Doing the deed/the nasty -
I have no idea why, but "doing the deed" sounds like you've completed a hit on someone.

Piercing through her flesh -
Are you getting fucked or having your clit pierced? Enlighten me, please.

A chorus of heated moans -
Smut so often ventures into the purple prose field.

Stroking/stabbing/sliding through her walls -
Walls are vertical, and form a box shape. Your vagina is not box shaped.



There will be a part three in the next week or two! Share your best (or worst!) smut segments below!

- The Bibliophile Babe 

A Dick By Any Other Name (or, What's Wrong With Erotica)

Hey, ladies!

(warning: this is a dirty minded post with dirty language, in case you couldn't tell by the title)

I love romance books. Love them. I'll happily admit to needing some kind of romance in whatever I read; just a little something I can swoon and sigh and lust over. Plus, who doesn't love collecting those delightful book boyfriends?
I also love erotica. My Kindle is a treasure-trove of dirty, kinky fuckery. However.... sometimes I just have to laugh at the way genitals and sex in general described . Let me be more specific, alright?


For Him:

Instead of the acceptable cock, dick, or even prick or erection, you'll see:

- Manhood 
I just think of... I don't even know what I think of. A knighthood, maybe? It sounds ridiculous!

- Hardness 
Is an adjective, not a noun.

- Thickness
Ditto the above.

- Rod
What are you, going fishing? Wait...that makes me think whatever girl he's banging needs to, ah...wash. Thoroughly. With soap. Get what I'm saying?

- Ridged collum/pillar of flesh
 All I picture is a colonial style house with cocks in the place of the pillars framing the entryway.

- Member
Proud member of Club Cunt!

- Package
Hello, FedEx!

- Shaft
Elevator. Sunlight. Not as bad as some, but still!

- Organ
If that word doesn't kill the mood, I don't know what will.

- Penis
Nothing cools the hot and heavy quite like clinical terms.

- Root
I've always wanted to be boinked by a tree, said no one ever. I hope, anyway.

- Steel (or marble, granite, ect) wrapped in velvet (or silk)
It's everywhere. Literally everywhere.

- Engorged flesh
Sounds painful.

- Throbbing head
Cock-migraine, anyone?

- Inflamed anything
You should get that raging infection checked out.

- Thatch 
Manscaping is your friend!






Then there's the things you stumble upon in the holy-hell-I-get-why-you-were-free-now smut. And yes, these are unfortunately all ones I've come across (ha...oh my god, that was the best unintentional pun ever!).

- Meat
Beef: it's what for dinner.

- Heat seeking missile

- Stalk
Plants.

- Fun stick/joy stick
Uh huh. I just bet you're a fun time.

- Man/guy/boy part
Are you 8 years old???

- Boner, stiffy, wang, schlong 
Well, you've moved up in the world to a 13 year old's vocabulary. Good for you.

- Dong
Please stop.


- Pork sword

For Her:

Sometimes we have it even worse than the guys, if you can imagine. Okay words include: pussy, cunt, sex, clit, and occasionally core or center. Never:


- Cleft
I hate this one!! It's awful, inaccurate, and just wrong. Please, I beg of you, stop it.

- Nub
It's such an exciting, sensual term. Really.

- Button
Repeat after me: "I am not a remote!"

- Meat curtains
Can you pull them shut if it gets too bright?

- Nether regions/nether lips
This is just weird.

- Womb
This would be agonizing, and nothing should be penetrating that. Please brush up on basic anatomy before continuing your story.

- Intimate folds
Sounds like a sketchy laundromat.

- Vagina
Again with the clinical! It's all too often used incorrectly. If he's rubbing you on the outside, that's not your vagina. That's your labia. Speaking of...

- Labia
Are you trying to get me hot and bothered, or are you giving me "the talk"?

- Tunnel
Here comes the train....

- Velvet anything
No.

- Twat
Aren't you just a classy SOB?

- Snatch
You know how some people cannot stand the word "cunt"? I feel the same way about "snatch". *shudders dramatically*

- Crease
Do you need an iron for your pussy?

- Depths
Prepare your ship for a voyage in the sea of vag.

- Cavern
Spelunking, anyone?




For Them:


Now we have things that can go either way, or for the sex itself. Yay!


For pubes, if applicable:

- Thatch 
- Nest

Lovely. Personal hygiene is important, people! Neither of you should have to brave an Amazon jungle to get to the goods.

What about butts? Ass is the only thing that should ever be used. Otherwise, you run the risk of sounding like 50 Shades Ana, taking it up the rear but unable to call it anything besides a "bottom". You should not be having anal sex if you can't say ass.


We can't forget about fluids! Preferable is come, or cum. Acceptable is seamen, wetness, or release. Do not ever use:

- Spunk/jizz/meat juice
- Dick spit
- Frothy anything
- Cream of any form
- Nectar
- Honey
- Damp
- Fluid
- Moist/moisture 

To wrap it up, two of my favorites:


- Weeping anything
Sounds like an infection you've lanced.

- Sheathe

I had so much fun with that! Cheers, everyone!

- The Bibliophile Babe