Thursday, November 12, 2015

A Dick By Any Other Name (or, What's Wrong With Erotica)

Hey, ladies!

(warning: this is a dirty minded post with dirty language, in case you couldn't tell by the title)

I love romance books. Love them. I'll happily admit to needing some kind of romance in whatever I read; just a little something I can swoon and sigh and lust over. Plus, who doesn't love collecting those delightful book boyfriends?
I also love erotica. My Kindle is a treasure-trove of dirty, kinky fuckery. However.... sometimes I just have to laugh at the way genitals and sex in general described . Let me be more specific, alright?

For Him:

Instead of the acceptable cock, dick, or even prick or erection, you'll see:

- Manhood 
I just think of... I don't even know what I think of. A knighthood, maybe? It sounds ridiculous!

- Hardness 
Is an adjective, not a noun.

- Thickness
Ditto the above.

- Rod
What are you, going fishing? Wait...that makes me think whatever girl he's banging needs to, ah...wash. Thoroughly. With soap. Get what I'm saying?

- Ridged collum/pillar of flesh
 All I picture is a colonial style house with cocks in the place of the pillars framing the entryway.

- Member
Proud member of Club Cunt!

 photo 190fcd0fa54989e5030416d0eb9c9bb7_zpso6rq6tts.gif

- Package
Hello, FedEx!

- Shaft
Elevator. Sunlight. Not as bad as some, but still!

- Organ
If that word doesn't kill the mood, I don't know what will.

- Penis
Nothing cools the hot and heavy quite like clinical terms.

- Root
I've always wanted to be boinked by a tree, said no one ever. I hope, anyway.

- Steel (or marble, granite, ect) wrapped in velvet (or silk)
It's everywhere. Literally everywhere.

- Engorged flesh
Sounds painful.

- Throbbing head
Cock-migraine, anyone?

- Inflamed anything
You should get that raging infection checked out.

- Thatch 
Manscaping is your friend!

Then there's the things you stumble upon in the holy-hell-I-get-why-you-were-free-now smut. And yes, these are unfortunately all ones I've come across (ha...oh my god, that was the best unintentional pun ever!).

- Meat
Beef: it's what for dinner.

- Heat seeking missile

 photo 5698733579351ab7a1919ae759996e66_zpsfukprhz7.gif

- Stalk

- Fun stick/joy stick
Uh huh. I just bet you're a fun time.

- Man/guy/boy part
Are you 8 years old???

- Boner, stiffy, wang, schlong 
Well, you've moved up in the world to a 13 year old's vocabulary. Good for you.

- Dong
Please stop.

- Pork sword

For Her:

Sometimes we have it even worse than the guys, if you can imagine. Okay words include: pussy, cunt, sex, clit, and occasionally core or center. Never:

- Cleft
I hate this one!! It's awful, inaccurate, and just wrong. Please, I beg of you, stop it.

- Nub
It's such an exciting, sensual term. Really.

- Button
Repeat after me: "I am not a remote!"

- Meat curtains
Can you pull them shut if it gets too bright?

- Nether regions/nether lips
This is just weird.

- Womb
This would be agonizing, and nothing should be penetrating that. Please brush up on basic anatomy before continuing your story.

- Intimate folds
Sounds like a sketchy laundromat.

- Vagina
Again with the clinical! It's all too often used incorrectly. If he's rubbing you on the outside, that's not your vagina. That's your labia. Speaking of...

- Labia
Are you trying to get me hot and bothered, or are you giving me "the talk"?

- Tunnel
Here comes the train....

- Velvet anything

- Twat
Aren't you just a classy SOB?

- Snatch
You know how some people cannot stand the word "cunt"? I feel the same way about "snatch". *shudders dramatically*

- Crease
Do you need an iron for your pussy?

- Depths
Prepare your ship for a voyage in the sea of vag.

- Cavern
Spelunking, anyone?

For Them:

Now we have things that can go either way, or for the sex itself. Yay!

For pubes, if applicable:

- Thatch 
- Nest

Lovely. Personal hygiene is important, people! Neither of you should have to brave an Amazon jungle to get to the goods.

What about butts? Ass is the only thing that should ever be used. Otherwise, you run the risk of sounding like 50 Shades Ana, taking it up the rear but unable to call it anything besides a "bottom". You should not be having anal sex if you can't say ass.

We can't forget about fluids! Preferable is come, or cum. Acceptable is seamen, wetness, or release. Do not ever use:

- Spunk/jizz/meat juice
- Dick spit
- Frothy anything
- Cream of any form
- Nectar
- Honey
- Damp
- Fluid
- Moist/moisture 

 photo c1ff6b7168db412ae36877cc4048e6d5_zps3vg2j4ga.gif

To wrap it up, two of my favorites:

- Weeping anything
Sounds like an infection you've lanced.

- Sheathe

 photo tumblr_inline_mmwp7iTtoh1qz4rgp_zpslrrit0ck.gif

I had so much fun with that! Cheers, everyone!

- The Bibliophile Babe


  1. *dies* YES TO THIS AMANDA!!! I agree, whenever I see the word penis in my romance, I giggle. Like a 12-year old. It's just so....medically accurate? I don't know, but give me cock any day ;-) And pork sword and meat curtains? God in heaven. So glad I hadn't taken a sip of water just then....

  2. OMG. The best post ever!! And so true! I totally wind up laughing when I'm not supposed to because of the ridiculous things they write. I mean inflamed?? Ew!!

  3. OMG. The best post ever!! And so true! I totally wind up laughing when I'm not supposed to because of the ridiculous things they write. I mean inflamed?? Ew!!

  4. lmfao <3333 I see some of these and it makes me laugh while reading.

  5. haha this is fantastic! Yeah, I find some weird things in romance books. It's like "'re ruining this. Please stop." haha

  6. Oh my gosh this is so hilarious!! :D

  7. Wow! Quite the list, and your commentary was hilarious. Pork sword... ha ha.

  8. OMG. I had to stop reading because coffee's coming out of my nose. Bahahhahah!

  9. Hehehe..remember the older historical romances with her rose petals. Oh lord yes sometimes I giggle aloud at some of the more creative terms. This was fun!

  10. This is freakin hilarious and so on point, hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I couldn't stop laughing at "Meat Curtains - Can you shut them when it gets too bright?" Ohmygod, hahahaha. Brilliant!

  11. LMAO !!!! You've had me laughing for the first time today, thank you !!

  12. omg this was epic! lol Heat seeking missile - made me laugh so hard.

  13. Ha! Speechless!! Which is good as its five thirty in the morning and my laughter would wake up the house!!! Brilliant post!!!!

  14. What about her secret garden, below her knickers or her tight bud? Yup, smutty words are smutty :D
    I don't always mind the weirder ones, but when I do, I can't notice anything else but bizarre words or similes that should never, ever be used!
    Thanks for sharing, Amanda :D
    Lexxie @ (un)Conventional Bookviews

  15. What about the breast: For some reason I dislike the word "tits." I actually prefer the biological term for "stuff." but cock is okay and I think some of the adjectival nouns work for genitals as well. After all we've turned "friend" into a verb,....

  16. Great post! I loved your comparisons. Meat curtains? I would stop reading immediately!

  17. This was quite an entertaining post! :D I'm with you on so many of those words...especially those that make the character sound like an adolescent. Spunk and jizz are especially irritating. Yes, if you can't say cunt or ass, you shouldn't be having sex. Thanks so much for sharing this!

  18. Hilarious post, Amanda! I read a lot of romance and erotica and I thought than I’ve seen it all. But pork sword and meat curtains? I can’t stop laughing.