(warning: this is a dirty minded post with dirty language, in case you couldn't tell by the title)
I love romance books. Love them. I'll happily admit to needing some kind of romance in whatever I read; just a little something I can swoon and sigh and lust over. Plus, who doesn't love collecting those delightful book boyfriends?
I also love erotica. My Kindle is a treasure-trove of dirty, kinky fuckery. However.... sometimes I just have to laugh at the way genitals and sex in general described . Let me be more specific, alright?
Instead of the acceptable cock, dick, or even prick or erection, you'll see:
I just think of... I don't even know what I think of. A knighthood, maybe? It sounds ridiculous!
Is an adjective, not a noun.
Ditto the above.
What are you, going fishing? Wait...that makes me think whatever girl he's banging needs to, ah...wash. Thoroughly. With soap. Get what I'm saying?
- Ridged collum/pillar of flesh
All I picture is a colonial style house with cocks in the place of the pillars framing the entryway.
Proud member of Club Cunt!
Elevator. Sunlight. Not as bad as some, but still!
If that word doesn't kill the mood, I don't know what will.
Nothing cools the hot and heavy quite like clinical terms.
I've always wanted to be boinked by a tree, said no one ever. I hope, anyway.
- Steel (or marble, granite, ect) wrapped in velvet (or silk)
It's everywhere. Literally everywhere.
- Engorged flesh
- Throbbing head
- Inflamed anything
You should get that raging infection checked out.
Manscaping is your friend!
Then there's the things you stumble upon in the holy-hell-I-get-why-you-were-free-now smut. And yes, these are unfortunately all ones I've come across (ha...oh my god, that was the best unintentional pun ever!).
Beef: it's what for dinner.
- Heat seeking missile
- Fun stick/joy stick
Uh huh. I just bet you're a fun time.
- Man/guy/boy part
Are you 8 years old???
- Boner, stiffy, wang, schlong
Well, you've moved up in the world to a 13 year old's vocabulary. Good for you.
- Pork sword
Sometimes we have it even worse than the guys, if you can imagine. Okay words include: pussy, cunt, sex, clit, and occasionally core or center. Never:
I hate this one!! It's awful, inaccurate, and just wrong. Please, I beg of you, stop it.
It's such an exciting, sensual term. Really.
Repeat after me: "I am not a remote!"
- Meat curtains
Can you pull them shut if it gets too bright?
- Nether regions/nether lips
This is just weird.
This would be agonizing, and nothing should be penetrating that. Please brush up on basic anatomy before continuing your story.
- Intimate folds
Sounds like a sketchy laundromat.
Again with the clinical! It's all too often used incorrectly. If he's rubbing you on the outside, that's not your vagina. That's your labia. Speaking of...
Are you trying to get me hot and bothered, or are you giving me "the talk"?
Here comes the train....
- Velvet anything
Aren't you just a classy SOB?
You know how some people cannot stand the word "cunt"? I feel the same way about "snatch". *shudders dramatically*
Do you need an iron for your pussy?
Prepare your ship for a voyage in the sea of vag.
Now we have things that can go either way, or for the sex itself. Yay!
For pubes, if applicable:
Lovely. Personal hygiene is important, people! Neither of you should have to brave an Amazon jungle to get to the goods.
What about butts? Ass is the only thing that should ever be used. Otherwise, you run the risk of sounding like 50 Shades Ana, taking it up the rear but unable to call it anything besides a "bottom". You should not be having anal sex if you can't say ass.
We can't forget about fluids! Preferable is come, or cum. Acceptable is seamen, wetness, or release. Do not ever use:
- Spunk/jizz/meat juice
- Dick spit
- Frothy anything
- Cream of any form
To wrap it up, two of my favorites:
- Weeping anything
Sounds like an infection you've lanced.
I had so much fun with that! Cheers, everyone!
- The Bibliophile Babe