Members Only - What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 3

Hey, everyone!


It's time for the third installment of my What's Wrong With Erotica series! This time around we're talking about settings, those "titillating" scenarios designed to turn the heat up, but in reality are about as sexy as socks with flip flops. I'm sure y'all are familiar with a few of these gems!
As per usual with the posts, it's about to get crass in here.

A Virgin on The Streets and a Freak in The Sheets

Without a doubt, this is one of the most popular plots for erotica. You know the one I mean: The pristine, mid-20s innocent virgin who's never so much as masturbated or looked at porn (bitch, you lie like a dog) who falls for a sexy manwhore. Bonus points if he's a m/billionaire. 

He suddenly forgets all the other woman in favor of this one, and she's perfectly okay with his dirty past. They immediately get to the fucking, with almost no buildup or chemistry, and they go about it bareback. Because you know, what's a little genital warts or chlamydia in the heat of the moment....

But I digress.

This virgin takes to sex like a fish to water, and I don't just mean in an enjoyment way. I mean full out, "are you sure you weren't a hooker in a former life" sex kitten. That 10" cock that rivals a soda can for thickness? Deep throating on the first go. Anal? Don't worry, she's wet enough you won't even need lube! A bit of dabbling in BDSM? She puts a well seasoned sub to shame. Public sex? Sounds appropriate for her second time!

Rescue Me and Claim Me Your Prize

Ah, the Disney scenario. Girl needs saved from something (family, bad situation, her past, herself, ect) and she can't possibly do it on her own. No, Price Sexy needs to come in and sweep her off her feet. How ever will she repay him....?

50 Shades of BDSM

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips...don't excite me?

This one is often tied into either A Virgin on The Streets and a Freak in The Sheets or some kind of kidnapping thing, and features a very savvy Dom and a new-but-somehow-totally-experienced sub. With floggers, nipple clamps and butt plugs abound, this scenario is sure to excite your inner Ana.

I am so over the S&M craze! It's not usually my thing (sadistic I am, masochist I am not), and the writing is often cringeworthy. I'm no Domme or sub, but even I know some of these things are completely ridiculous. 

However, there are a few absolute goldmines for good D/s erotica. Sierra Simone's Markham Hall series and S.E. Reign's 101 Nights.... Holy shitballs, yes please!

What about you? Which is your most cringe-worhy setting?

- The Bibliophile Babe 

Phallic Fumbling: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2

Hey, ladies!


Back in November, I wrote a post called A Dick By Any Other Name (Or, What's Wrong With Erotica). It was about my little annoyances when it comes to romance, especially erotic romance, and focused mostly on the absurd names for genitalia. It's my most popular post to date, and one I had a ton of fun writing! So fun, in fact, that I'm doing another one!

I almost titled this "The Twat Thickens: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2". I decided against it. You're welcome. 

 If you can't tell, this post is very much adult content. Let's jump right in!

How Not To Describe His Junk

There's dozens and dozens of ways smut authors have described the wonders of the cock. Some are tolerable, some are cringe worthy, some are completely laughable, and some make me wonder if the author had the foresight of Googling the definition of the word they used. Here are a few of my "favorites". You'll see why.

Ropy - 

Perhaps I've been reading too much porn, but the only thing I can picture is some BDSM bound dick.

Veiny -

Ugghhhhh. This one is usually used during a blow job, often with teeth grazed along "pulsing veins". Hope you don't knick that thin skin, darling.

Swollen -

I picture a swollen bug bite on this poor man's penis.

Tumescent -

It sounds like either antacid medication or a paint color.

Slick-

Ew.

Springy -

He dick springs from his boxers! His penis sprang forth! His manhood springs up! We might as well call his dick Tigger.

Bulbous -

I can't even describe how furious this word makes me. It's worse than moist.

How Not To Describe Her Junk

I covered most of these in the last post, but I've come across (yes, I will use that pun until the end of time) a few more since then.

Muffin -

Wrong on so many levels.

Canal -

Oh look, her pussy comes equipped with its own gondola ride. 

Honey pot -
*immediately quits the book*

Liquid heat -
This just sounds weird, like something that goes in a car.

Getting Down and Dirty: How Not To Describe It

Some of these just leave me shaking my head in a mixture of horror and total awe that someone is using it, and okay with it. 

Shagging -
Okay, I actually find this one hilarious and don't mind it at all. Perhaps it's because of one of my favorite British book boyfriends uses it. Bones can make anything sound good....

Bumpin' uglies -
Not only does this sound vile, the stars of these little trysts are always absurdly attractive. It just doesn't make sense.

Doing the deed/the nasty -
I have no idea why, but "doing the deed" sounds like you've completed a hit on someone.

Piercing through her flesh -
Are you getting fucked or having your clit pierced? Enlighten me, please.

A chorus of heated moans -
Smut so often ventures into the purple prose field.

Stroking/stabbing/sliding through her walls -
Walls are vertical, and form a box shape. Your vagina is not box shaped.



There will be a part three in the next week or two! Share your best (or worst!) smut segments below!

- The Bibliophile Babe