Monday, January 25, 2016

Phallic Fumbling: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2

Hey, ladies!

Back in November, I wrote a post called A Dick By Any Other Name (Or, What's Wrong With Erotica). It was about my little annoyances when it comes to romance, especially erotic romance, and focused mostly on the absurd names for genitalia. It's my most popular post to date, and one I had a ton of fun writing! So fun, in fact, that I'm doing another one!

I almost titled this "The Twat Thickens: What's Wrong With Erotica, Part 2". I decided against it. You're welcome. 
 If you can't tell, this post is very much adult content. Let's jump right in!

How Not To Describe His Junk

There's dozens and dozens of ways smut authors have described the wonders of the cock. Some are tolerable, some are cringe worthy, some are completely laughable, and some make me wonder if the author had the foresight of Googling the definition of the word they used. Here are a few of my "favorites". You'll see why.

Ropy - 
Perhaps I've been reading too much porn, but the only thing I can picture is some BDSM bound dick.

Veiny -
Ugghhhhh. This one is usually used during a blow job, often with teeth grazed along "pulsing veins". Hope you don't knick that thin skin, darling.

Swollen -
I picture a swollen bug bite on this poor man's penis.

Tumescent -
It sounds like either antacid medication or a paint color.


Springy -
He dick springs from his boxers! His penis sprang forth! His manhood springs up! We might as well call his dick Tigger.

Bulbous -
I can't even describe how furious this word makes me. It's worse than moist.
 photo giphy_zpssivbdsdu.gif

How Not To Describe Her Junk

I covered most of these in the last post, but I've come across (yes, I will use that pun until the end of time) a few more since then.

Muffin -
Wrong on so many levels.

Canal -
Oh look, her pussy comes equipped with its own gondola ride. 

Honey pot -
*immediately quits the book*

Liquid heat -
This just sounds weird, like something that goes in a car.

Getting Down and Dirty: How Not To Describe It

Some of these just leave me shaking my head in a mixture of horror and total awe that someone is using it, and okay with it. 

Shagging -
Okay, I actually find this one hilarious and don't mind it at all. Perhaps it's because of one of my favorite British book boyfriends uses it. Bones can make anything sound good....

Bumpin' uglies -
Not only does this sound vile, the stars of these little trysts are always absurdly attractive. It just doesn't make sense.

Doing the deed/the nasty -
I have no idea why, but "doing the deed" sounds like you've completed a hit on someone.

Piercing through her flesh -
Are you getting fucked or having your clit pierced? Enlighten me, please.

A chorus of heated moans -
Smut so often ventures into the purple prose field.

Stroking/stabbing/sliding through her walls -
Walls are vertical, and form a box shape. Your vagina is not box shaped.

There will be a part three in the next week or two! Share your best (or worst!) smut segments below!

- The Bibliophile Babe 


  1. Oh my gosh the Tigger one had me laughing out loud, this post is pure awesome lol :)

  2. Tumescent always makes me think of Allison Janney's character in 10 Things I Hate About You when she's writing her romance novel and trying to think of a word. She goes through several (pretty sure "engorged" is one) before landing on tumescent ;-)

    And bulbous is awful. Truly awful.

  3. Ha! Love this. So true on all accounts. I don't mind shagging either though :)

  4. <3333 I lol'ed at honey pot and I have to agree with you on bulbous!

  5. Oh my gosh, LMAO!!! So funny! I love these posts!

  6. LOL! I'm with Jenny on tumescent! :) Veiny is just a no. Canal? no. I do feel sorry for those trying to make things a bit different and come up with new descriptions though. :)

  7. Bahahhahahahhahaahha!!! Veiny is a personal favourite of mine....don't ask.

  8. hahah oh gosh, these are kind of hilarious. I don't mind shagging but it's also something British people DO say, so I suppose that's why. :) Love this though!!


  9. Bwahahaha..these are hilarious and yes Bulbous just sounds wrong.

  10. I remember last post, Amanda! It made me laugh so hard. And today you did it again. I choked on my tea. Lesson to myself: never drink while reading your posts. Lol.